On ne voit bien qu’ave le coeur, so says the Little Prince in Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s book, Le Petit Prince. For most of us who identify as Highly Sensitive People the way we look at the world is just like that, through our heart. According to an article by Jessica I. Morales, CHt, “With an electrical component about 60 times greater and an electromagnetic energy field 5000 times greater than the brain’s, the heart has a significant influence on the body down to the cellular level.” She further points out that the heart-brain sends more information to the head-brain than the other way around. Looking at things from this vantage point, having a heart-centered view of the world can be an incredible boost.
Yet, taking in so much information along with all of the connections can have its downsides. When it comes to money, common struggles for HSPs are decision fatigue, overwhelm during sensitive conversations, and a sense of shame over inequity. Like the Little Prince, the path forward is focusing on the essential and moving towards our ultimate goal as defined by our strong hearts.
Moving Past Decision Fatigue
Going from where you are to where you want to be first happens in our mind, or should I say, in our heart. Our highly sensitive system has a depth of insight and feeling that can be spectacular at noticing patterns and creating sequences. Thanks to all the information we take in, we can have an easier time seeing new connections that foster creative solutions. However, at first glance all of these connections can cause decision fatigue.
Common causes of decision fatigue around money include:
- Distrust of the financial services industry
- Lack of clear timelines
- Previous negative experiences
- Limited resources, especially regarding time and money
- Competing priorities
- Financial jargon
To move past decision fatigue start with these first steps:
- Identify your financial goals in heart language – is it to have a loving home? Time for rest and recreation? Meaningful work? What speaks to your hearts?
- Add numbers to your goals – Add a little bit of structure to your dreaming. How much might the things you want actually cost? What would need to change in your financial life to make those dreams possible? For myself, when I got really clear on the fact that I want to buy an apartment in Mexico City it made it easier to then start thinking of how I might want to grow my business as an investment adviser and money coach.
- Take stock of your current state – Here we start to look at where we are. Remember to do this at your own pace, there’s no need to overwhelm yourself. Also be gentle, sometimes looking at the black and white of our actual financial situation can feel overwhelming. Some questions to consider are listed below.
- What are your balances?
- What is in your retirement account?
- How much do you owe on debt?
- How much do you owe for student loans?
- What is your income?
- How much are you already saving for retirement?
- Add a timeline to your goal – Given where you are and where you want to go, what are some timelines that feel appropriate? Here I invite you to focus on micro-steps rather than reaching the big goal as a way to pick up momentum, see the next step for more details
- Identify manageable steps towards goals – Here you want to break your next steps into the smallest, most manageable components. By making the next step small and repeatable you’ll start gaining momentum and grow your sense of competence in the area. Examples could be setting up automated savings from your paycheck, reviewing your retirement plans at the start of each school year, or reading an article or book on personal finance every Wednesday for at least 10 minutes.
Keys for Nourishing Conversations
When you are recognizing there’s a need to have a difficult conversation around money, remember that though these conversations can feel uncomfortable, they can be deeply nourishing for the relationship. Whether the topic is covering shared expenses as roommates, or helping children finance education in a world of growing student debt, here are a few pointers on how to navigate these conversations with grace.
First start off by doing your own work. As sensitives and empaths other people’s feelings and stories can feel so strong that having a charged conversation can be completely destabilizing. So first journal out the topic, work with a money mentor (either a paid coach, your financial adviser, or a trusted friend), or draw out what’s inside you. We first need to become aware of where we stand and what we need before talking it through with someone else.
Second, ask for permission. Money is a taboo topic in our society and it’s often one of the leading causes of mental health stress. Ask the other person for a time and place where you can each share money questions and issues. Also, be as specific as possible when you state the topic, for example HVAC replacement or covering shared meals. Aim to treat the question as a puzzle so that you can all show up with creativity and curiosity.
This is where our sensitivity can really shine. Lean into what you know about them and suggest a playful way to open and close the conversation. Maybe you’ll talk about it during a walk, or when you know you’ll both feel most relaxed. If possible, come in without the expectation of closure. Again lean into what helps each of you stay connected both to yourself and to the other person.
Lastly, make sure to finish the conversation. Whether you’ve set aside an hour or ten minutes, respect the time and close the conversation. Most things don’t require immediate action and you’re likely to damage the money relationship between you if you talk about money when you’re feeling dysregulated, either overly angry or fully wiped out. If the topic at hand is still pending set aside a follow up time when you can keep engaging with the puzzle.
Imagining a New World
This topic is near and dear to my heart. As sensitives, many of us have wondered since childhood how we could organize differently so everyone has their needs met. Questions like “Why do I have access to food when others don’t?” or “Why do I have a warm bed when others don’t?” may have been with you for as long as you can remember. Remember that a deep desire for equity points us to where changes are needed and can be a catalyst for trying out new things.
Most people compare themselves upward, thinking others have more. But as HSPs, we also compare ourselves downward—noticing when we have more—and this awareness can create shame. At first, the idea that money could be used to create something new felt so unreal to me that I turned away from money work entirely. Yet it seems that in this lifetime, this work is my medicine. Here I am, back in a field I walked away from as a 20 year old.
The clients I now get to work with are courageous enough to put their money where their heart is (and yes, “courageous” has “coeur”—heart—at its root). According to Dr. Brené Brown, psychologist and expert on shame, shame is the feeling of “I am bad” while guilt is the feeling of “I did something bad.” The increasing inequality in the world leaves those of us with privilege feeling as if we are bad and need to hide our access, when in fact it’s the system that is corrupt. A babe born into wealth is no more guilty for their circumstances than one born into poverty. We are not in charge of the situation we’re born into, but we are in charge of how we use it moving forward.
Dr. Brené Brown teaches us that the antidote to shame is sharing the secret—shame grows in secrecy. This doesn’t mean you need to tell everyone your net worth, but you can start by sharing it with a trusted other (perhaps a financial advisor, a close friend, or for young people navigating wealth check out a community like Resource Generation). By acknowledging how much of our circumstances are outside our control, we can stop blaming each other or ourselves and start creating actual change.
Some of my favorite ways to create change include community investing, where you focus on social impact in addition to returns. I wrote an article on how money can be a source for good, also available as a podcast episode covering how to earn, save, spend, give, and invest in ways that align with your values.
The Healing is in the Wound
In essence, the place where we struggle points us to the skill we can lean into: as the Irish saying goes, the healing is in the wound. I wrote this article to support HSPs who feel overwhelmed by the money journey, whose depth of processing makes them feel there’s too much going on, and who wonder if the emotional rollercoaster is even worth it. The good news? All of these challenges can be turned into assets.
Look at what’s causing you the most problems with money and see what the other side of the coin reveals. For example, if you’re overspending, go into inquiry without judgment—just curiosity.
What are you trying to get when you spend? What’s happening inside of you? What needs are you trying to fill?
Maybe spending isn’t actually filling those needs, which is why you keep spending.
If you have a need for care and rest, is going out to eat or buying shoes actually creating rest?
Perhaps what you need is a staycation, time at home, or more blank space in your schedule—the unstructured downtime that HSPs often crave.
Lead with curiosity. Remember: “On ne voit bien qu’avec le coeur”—we only see well with our heart. Look at your money situation, your money puzzles, through your heart, and see what becomes visible through that lens.