Have you heard these myths about conflict and money?
- Myth 1: Conflict is always bad and should be avoided at all costs.
- Myth 2: Generosity means giving away all of your money.
- Myth 3: Talking about money only leads to arguments.
Lily Kerrigan will share the truth about navigating conflict and money for highly sensitive individuals.
I think the clarity that’s come from this has just been seeing my own pattern because it was definitely, like you said, you can’t see the spinach in your teeth.
Lily Kerrigan
My special guest is Lily Kerrigan
Lily Kerrigan, a highly sensitive individual, provides a candid exploration of the intricate relationship between personal finances and conflict management. Drawing from her own upbringing, marked by generational financial anxiety, and the challenging aftermath of a financially abusive relationship, Kerrigan offers a compelling perspective on navigating financial challenges as an HSP.
Her insights into the complexities of receiving generosity and the impact of trauma on financial decision-making provide valuable depth to the conversation. With a focus on fostering healthier money mindsets and strategies for managing conflict, Kerrigan’s experiences offer a thought-provoking angle for those seeking to understand and address the intersection of sensitivity and financial well-being.
This is Lily Kerrigan’s story:
Lily Kerrigan’s upbringing in a middle-class environment, coupled with her mother’s deep-rooted financial anxiety, instilled a profound sensitivity towards money and conflict. Her experiences with financial abuse in a past relationship left her associating generosity with vulnerability, perpetuating a relentless need to constantly repay any acts of kindness. Despite being in a positive relationship now, she grapples with the emotional fatigue of feeling unworthy of receiving generosity.
Her journey sheds light on the intricate interplay between being highly sensitive and navigating the complex emotions surrounding money, generosity, and conflict. Lily’s story serves as a poignant reminder of the enduring impact of early experiences and the ongoing struggle to find balance and healing in the realm of personal finances and relationships.
Lily is an actor, writer, and comedian who has toured her full comedy hour, The Lily Show, to D.C., LA, and Atlanta. You can find her on Instagram @lilykerriganpresents or on YouTube as Lily Kerrigan.
In this episode, you will be able to:
- Discover healthier ways to handle conflict and money, leading to more harmonious relationships and reduced stress.
- Explore the unique challenges highly sensitive individuals face in managing their relationship with money, and uncover practical strategies for financial well-being.
- Learn how to heal from past abusive relationships, including the financial impact, and gain insights into rebuilding a healthy relationship with money.
- Navigate the complex relationship between money and relationships, and gain valuable tools for fostering financial harmony with your loved ones.
- Uncover the patterns of using money as armor and control in relationships, and gain insights into creating healthier dynamics around finances.
Coping Mechanisms and Independence
Who sings the praises of independence better than a self-made individual? Breaking out of the shackles of dependency, it can undoubtedly be liberating. But let’s not forget, it can come with a fair share of exhaustion as well. Especially when it leads to overcompensation, where we find ourselves unable to ask for help when needed, creating our own barriers. Learning how to lean on others without feeling indebted, acknowledging that accepting financial help doesn’t mean losing control, could be a whole new level of independence we need to explore.
For instance, look at Lily Kerrigan’s journey. She shared her feelings of tiredness resulting from her constant need to repay and her anxiety around accepting help. Giving and receiving in her world had to be a meticulous act, calculated to the last cent. Her understanding of financial independence had driven her to a place of exhaustion. Revealing her vulnerability, Lily shares her desire to break this pattern without altering actual transactions.
Finding Relaxation and Balance in Financial Exchanges
The delicate dance of financial exchanges, navigating the world of giving and receiving, can be labyrinth-like. The constant balance between not paying too little to offend nor too much to offend can seem like an impossible task. Finding relaxation in this matrix sounds dreamy, right? But it’s entirely doable. Moving away from viewing financial transactions as debts to be repaid and embracing them as shared experiences that they are, could be our ticket to bring in this change.
There’s immense value in Lily Kerrigan’s reflections on this. Tired of always feeling the need to repay, she seeks a sense of relaxation around money transactions. Her approach brings us to contemplate the possibility that changing our feelings related to money, without necessarily altering the transactions, can pave the way to finding balance in our financial interactions.
Achieving healthier ways to handle conflict and generosity
It’s no surprise how tricky it can be to successfully navigate conflict, especially when it ties into money matters. Many of us might find ourselves tackling these topics with a sense of unease or dread. But imagine if we could flip the script? What if we could engage in these discussions not as bouts of arm wrestling, but opportunities for growth and deepening relationships? Sounds idyllic, yet very possible. The key lies in finding healthier ways to handle conflict and generosity. Not just clamoring for peace at any price, but by tactfully addressing the issue at hand, being generous without feeling exploited, and acknowledging the feelings of everybody involved.
Lily Kerrigan’s story offers us a first-hand perspective. Raised in a context where money was equated with control, Lily, like many highly sensitive individuals, found herself resorting to conflict avoidance, often using money to evade distress. Over time, she’s come to understand the interconnectedness of handling conflict and generosity, recognizing the importance of not just seeking peace but also respecting one’s financial boundaries.
The resources mentioned in this episode are:
- You can find Lily on Instagram and YouTube
- Decolonized Wealth by Edgar Villanueva – A book that provides insights into a more community-oriented approach to philanthropy and wealth distribution. It offers a different perspective on generosity and financial relationships.
- The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel – A book that delves into the psychological aspects of money, offering a deeper understanding of the emotional and relational dynamics associated with financial decisions.
- The Work of Katie Byron – Referring to the teachings and methodologies of Katie Byron, particularly her four questions approach, which can help in discerning motivations behind financial interactions and relationships.
Timestamped summary of this episode:
00:00:00 – Introduction and Background
Diana introduces Lily as the first highly sensitive person (HSP) guest willing to share their money story. They discuss meeting at a mindfulness group and their recent in-person meeting. Lily shares her background and upbringing, influenced by her mother’s experience with poverty.
00:03:08 – Control and Financial Independence
Lily discusses the influence of her upbringing on her desire for financial independence and control. She shares her sensitive nature and how it affects her need to avoid conflict, leading to a tendency to use money to resolve issues and avoid confrontation.
00:07:48 – Financial Abuse and Conflict Avoidance
Lily opens up about her experience in a financially abusive relationship, where she felt compelled to give money to avoid conflicts and emotional turmoil. She and Diana explore the impact of being highly sensitive on conflict avoidance and the use of money as a coping mechanism.
00:10:06 – Generosity and Unworthiness
The conversation shifts to Lily’s difficulty in both giving and receiving generosity. She expresses feelings of guilt and unworthiness when receiving generosity, linking it to her struggle with financial trauma and the need for independence.
00:13:32 – Coping Mechanisms and Independence
Lily reflects on her coping mechanisms, including drawing a circle around herself and emphasizing independence to protect herself from the pain of struggling with giving and receiving generosity. The conversation delves into the challenges of healthy interdependence and the anxiety surrounding generosity.
00:14:46 – Addressing Physical Sensations and Engaging in Somatic Practice
Lily discusses feeling anxiety in her body, and Diana guides her through a somatic practice to bring awareness and relaxation.
00:18:12 – Reflecting on Independence and Financial Exchange
Lily opens up about feeling tired of being independent and always feeling the need to pay back acts of generosity, including financially supporting her partner’s therapy.
00:22:03 – Exploring the Dynamics of Financial Independence and Interdependence
Diana probes into the implications of financial independence, discussing the power dynamics and expectations that come with giving and receiving financial support in relationships.
00:25:19 – Unpacking Emotional Patterns and Financial Behaviors
Lily shares her struggle with emotional and financial independence, realizing the similarities in her reluctance to ask for help emotionally and financially.
00:29:36 – Finding Relaxation and Balance in Financial Exchanges
The conversation shifts to discussing Lily’s evolving approach to sharing expenses with her partner and her desire to feel less anxious and stressed about financial transactions.
00:32:36 – Importance of Humor in Relationships
Lily and Diana discuss the importance of humor in their relationships and how they both humor each other a lot. Lily also reflects on feeling guilty for the advantages she has been given in life.
00:33:38 – Guilt and Generosity
Lily talks about feeling guilt for receiving help to go to college and how it has affected her. She also touches on the impact of guilt in an abusive relationship and the sense of justice she holds.
00:35:47 – Impact of Injustice
The conversation delves into the impact of injustice on highly sensitive people and the need for more individuals to be impacted by injustice. Lily expresses the desire to make the world a better place, despite the challenge of feeling like she can’t fix everything.
00:40:05 – Striving for Balance and Vulnerability
Lily discusses the struggle of finding balance and vulnerability in her relationships and life. She reflects on the need to be interdependent and the challenge of being impacted by other people.
00:41:14 – Generosity and Trust
The conversation explores the concept of giving and receiving, and how to discern whether someone is being generous or taking advantage of you. Lily reflects on her own behavior and the importance of asking questions to understand others’ motivations.
00:48:27 – Uncovering Money Patterns
Lily reflects on using money as armor and uncovering underlying beliefs. She shares how she checks in with herself when paying for experiences.
00:49:29 – Healing from Abusive Relationships
Lily discusses the different aspects of healing from an abusive relationship, including the financial side, and acknowledges Matt’s support.
00:50:05 – Building Conflict Resolution Skills
Lily recognizes her lack of tolerance for conflict when it comes to money and explores the need for it. She considers potential areas to risk conflict.
00:50:55 – Facing Avoidance of Conflict
Lily acknowledges avoiding conflict in a relationship and discusses the need to address financial agreements with her Seattle partner.
00:51:12 – Gratitude and Farewell
The conversation feels interconnected and complete as Lily expresses gratitude for being a podcast guest.