Being clear and aware of your money is a self-care practice. It can be a rooted, deeply loving practice for yourself and your loved ones.
I work with others to make money as easy as riding a bike so they can have more peace, more joy, and be free to help their community and the world. We talk about where they want to be with money, what needs to happen to get there, and cultivate a belief in their ability to get there.
Openly sharing about money in itself can be a huge release. Especially talking in a setting where your whole money experience is welcome with compassion.
In our WEIRD (Western, Educated, Industrial, Rich, Democratic) culture money touches every aspect of our life, from how we show love to others through gifts and paying for their care, to how the world sees us by status symbols like cars, shoes, and salaries.
Shedding light on our money relationship is a move toward more peace and joy.
One step at a time, you will uncover your joy and right size money and gain perspective on it.
When Money Holds Us Back
What the perpetual-disappointment folks described is this: “It’s easier to live disappointed than it is to feel disappointed. It feels more vulnerable to dip in and out of disappointment than to just set up camp there. You sacrifice joy, but you suffer less pain.”
Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
I’m a few days away from flying to Mexico City for almost three months of working virtually and traveling. This is something I’ve wanted to do for years, and thanks to a combination of being vaccinated, my employer being fully remote through the summer, and my lease ending, I am in the perfect spot to take this trip.
And I am terrified.
Actually taking steps towards our wildest dreams can feel more frightening than doing nothing or staying in fantasy. I agree with the perpetual-disappointment folks that it is easier to live disappointed than to dip in and out of feeling disappointment.
Years ago I realized that I used money as an excuse to not go for what I wanted – everything was always too expensive, no matter what it was. Be it a meal out with friends, a massage, or a pet.
As I paid off debt, negotiated a higher salary, and developed a savings muscle I started to realize that many of the things I wanted were no longer too expensive. But then came giving myself permission to have those things. It’s a struggle that has eased with time, practice, and compassion, one moment at a time.
I was constantly saying no in order to say yes to safety. As if having a pile of savings meant nothing would harm me! Ha!
This desire for safety is also true in other areas of my life where I tend to shrink like promoting my work and dating – my self defense default is NO. The fear of being fully visible, vulnerable, and being disappointed is palpable.
Yet, my desire for joy and giving back to my community is also palpable. My mindfulness practice shows me that waves of fear are followed by waves of other emotions, like excitement, happiness, awe, boredom and curiosity. All of these emotions are welcome – it’s the full human experience.
Using Money as a Self-Discovery Tool
Jacob Needleman, author of Money and the Meaning of Life wrote that money “can solve problems where what is needed is the experience of questions.”
Yes, money could solve the problem of me feeling worried about being lonely in Mexico City by having me fly out all my friends and family to be with me. Yet, that would mean I wouldn’t get to experience loneliness and the creativity that often comes from it or meet new people.
Money is often the place where we experience the most dissonance between our professed values and our actions. It can be painful to acknowledge where we fall short of our ideals yet as James Baldwin said, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
This is why I love working with money – it’s such juicy territory. My clients realize that at some point we hit a wall with what money can and cannot provide.
Outgrowing Money Attitudes
This weekend I was on hold with Delta for six hours. That’s right, SIX hours. As I mentioned earlier, I run on the deprivation side and will do a lot of things to save a dollar. One of them is flying out of JFK in New York instead of my local Philly airport.
It takes me at least three hours to get to JFK and about an extra $50. When I bought my ticket to Mexico City I just pretended that I could handle that extra travel and that it was worth the few hundred dollars I would save.
I was wrong. Earlier this month my original flight was cancelled and they changed my departure to Philly – I was relieved! But over the weekend I learned they had changed it back to JFK at 8:00 am, which I couldn’t make. Hence being on hold for SIX hours.
During the interminable hold time with Delta I went out to dinner with my closest friends in Philly. They gave me a group hug when I finally gave up and hung up the call. I went to the airport the following day to get help in person with better results.
This was on top of a bunch of other things from my move that were incredibly stressful. When I finally did talk to someone at Delta I treated myself to an easier departure day using money.
This goes against my frugality value but honors my desire for self-care.
Why am I sharing all this? Because I want to normalize how weird we can be with money. I was stressed about this big Adventure and it showed up with my stubbornness in calling Delta. A more reasonable version of myself would’ve hung up as soon as I learned it would be at least a five hour wait, but that version of me was nowhere to be found.
I see this happen with clients all the time. While we can call ourselves out for being unreasonable with money, my preferred approach is gentleness and curiosity.
You can take a minute to consider the following questions, or even better journal on these topics.
- What are you experiencing that you’d rather be avoiding?
- Are you in HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired)?
- What money memories/stories/ideals are being stirred up?
- Can you get in touch with how your body feels during all of this?
As Parker Palmer says, the goal is integration, not perfection. By sitting with our money stories and habits we gain clarity on what is really motivating us. We always have choices, especially the choice to return to our breath and acknowledge the fullness of our experience.
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